I heard that quote on NPR recently, unattributed, but I can't find a source for the quote when I search for it. No matter, it's true. We will all die, there's no question about that, but will we all live to our fullest potential? That's not as sure. And will walking the Camino de Santiago bring me a step or two closer to that goal, living to my fullest potential? I hope so.
Now though, I'm in a period of fear running rampant through me. I've read enough blogs and books to know that it's not only not uncommon, it's very normal for one to be beset by fears of all sorts, usually about two months out from one's start date. It's early for me, as I still have three and a half months to go. But the fears are real within me.
Not every fear is without merit, or at least without some basis in reality. The Camino forums have been inundated with the story of a young peregrina, or pilgrim, who disappeared suddenly, leaving no trace, on Easter Sunday. She was in touch with friends and family and then suddenly vanished, and extensive searches have discovered nothing. It has been incredibly unsettling to the Camino community, and now there are more stories, threatening though not quite as dramatic as the disappearance of the young pilgrim. All the stories come out of one small stretch on the long Camino, but they nevertheless disturb and unsettle all those walking or planning to walk, especially women. And that's there I am, of course. I'm an older woman, in a different demographic, and surely I will be less likely to run into the sorts of harassments and threats that a very few younger women are experiencing, but nevertheless, it shakes me. And even more so, because now other "incidents" are being reported on the Camino, in the same general area. The Spanish police are investigating thoroughly, and maybe it will all be resolved soon. But still, the uncertainly remains for now.
My response to this fear has been to begin a review of my self-defense training. After all, I'm a brown belt in Kenpo karate. It would be a sad conclusion to my many years of karate training to be accosted on the Camino and find myself unable to defend myself. Especially when I'll be carrying two potentially lethal weapons, my walking sticks. I know that I'll be fine, but all the same, I intend to use the time I have left to review techniques I've learned through the years, and to boost my self-confidence. Then maybe I can drop my fears and walk my Camino with courage and calm. That's my goal.
And there are other fears rearing their ugly heads as well. Will my old body hold up? Will the pain prove too much for me, the pain of blisters and sore muscles and pulled muscles and aching joints? Will I be lonely or make friends easily? Will I miss my family and friends desperately? Can I really do this?
My answer to these fears is a resounding, Yes, I can! Because I'm not setting off on this venture because of Ego, I don't think, or a desire for adventure or to prove something. I'm doing it because I feel unalterably compelled to do it, or at least to try to do it. That compulsion is coming from within myself, in the core of my being in a deep and mysterious way. In my most spiritual moments, I feel it as a summons. But that's scary too, and I don't know what that means. I just know that I have to do it. God willing. Always, God willing.
